CSI: American Carnage (Friday, February 15, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Applause can be heard coming from within mysterious Room A, recently carved out from Sub-Basement C, as Stephen approaches. Hector stands next to the door and holds up his hand. Stephen says, I’m here to see the president. Hector says nothing. Stephen says, He asked that I join him here, inside. Hector moves Stephen to the side, opens the door, and slips in. A moment later he reemerges and steps aside, leaving the door slightly ajar. Stephen enters. Donald is standing in the deep rough along a fairway, red MAGA cap on, golf club in hand, balls bulging from his pocket. The bright sun beats down on the audience lining the walls, 20 deep, and the green can be seen in the distance dog-legging to the right. Donald pushes aside tall weeds looking for his ball. Finally, he takes one out of his pocket and drops it on the ground, points to it, and begins to line up his shot. Stephen says, Sir, excuse me. Congress has just approved the spending bill. Donald looks up. He says, Stevie, what do you think? He gestures about. Stephen says, This is incredible. This is unbelievable. Donald says, You’d better believe it. I got a new gizmo that projects the reality. Stephen says, It’s amazing. Donald says, It takes the reality and brings it to you. Very very expensive. New technology. Very expensive. Very new. The greatest technology. Nobody’s ever had anything like this in the White House. So welcome to Bedminster, Stevie, welcome! These folks just love it. Donald gestures at the crowd. They all came to see me play. Tiger’s gonna be here for the back nine. Jack. A few others. You’re welcome to watch, join the crowd. Stephen says, That is so generous, sir. Really fantastic. Donald says, It works for just about any thing. I got this doohickey thing here – Donald picks up a small device that bears a remarkable resemblance to a teevee remote – you just press some buttons and you’re wherever you need to be. Donald fiddles with the device. The golf course vanishes instantly and is replaced by a packed arena. Donald stands by a podium. The crowd chants thunderously, Finish The Wall! Finish The Wall! Donald turns to the crowd. He says, Oh we will. We are building now. Finish The Wall! Lock them up! Lock them up! Donald waves. The crowd goes wild. Donald points. He says, We’re gonna take care of them and we’re gonna take care of the Fake News™, these people, he points at corralled reporters. These people are some of the most despicable people, dishonest, and liars, cheaters, and slime balls, and we’ll take care of them. The crowd is in a frenzy now. Several people charge the corral of reporters. Bouncers with tattoos push them back. Donald says, Relax. There’s time. There’s time. Donald clicks the remote again. A river bank appears. Stephen nearly falls in the water. From the east, a large group of people on camels approaches. Men with mustaches and eye patches carry machetes. Women, bound with thick rope, mouths covered with tape, are tied atop a line of mules. Donald says, We cannot allow this. This is one of the places The Wall will stop them. But we need armed protection too. At that point, the rumble of heavy armored vehicles can be heard. Over the rise, a fleet of PT-76s rolls into view. Guns blaze. The caravan is in disarray. The mules buck and kick, shedding the bound women. The mules scatter. The camels lope in circles. The hearts of the one-eyed mustachioed men are pierced by bullets. They fall to the ground. The camels flee. In a moment, US marines appear, they untie the women, and gather the children. Donald looks on. He says, You see, Stevie, it’s easy. We took care of it in less than 15 minutes.
— Friday, Feb. 15, 2019