CSI: American Carnage (Friday, December 7, 2018)
A small group of presidential handlers stands outside the door of the Executive Lounge with Kelly. Kelly says, Everyone have their gloves? Everyone in the group nods. Kelly says, Alright. Good. What about the sticks? We okay with sticks? The group nods. Two burly men hoist their sticks with the hooked ends. Kelly says, Ok. Excellent. Whose got the net? Two men hold the net high over their heads. They nod vigorously. Kelly says, Okay. It’s an intense situation this morning. We need to encircle him and soothe him, alright? Move slowly. No sudden motions and absolutely no questions. Do not break silence. We need to get close enough to net him. If you’re scratched or bitten, seek immediate medical attention. We don’t want any infections getting out of hand. Kelly pauses. Behind the door of the Executive Lounge, the crashing of furniture can be heard punctuated by muffled roars. The handlers look nervous. One, a young man in his 20s, says to Kelly, Sir, I’m new on the staff. I’ve never worked as a handler before. I was hired as a plumber. I’ve got to tell you sir: I’m kind of scared. Kelly puts his hand on the young man’s shoulder. What’s your name, son? The young man says, Biff, sir. Kelly says, You’ll be fine, Biff. Just follow your gut. Biff says, Yes, sir. At that point, a terrible howl is heard from within the lounge. More furniture can be heard smashing against the walls. The young man licks his lips nervously. He says, Sir, I just got married. My wife’s at home now. Am I gonna see her again? Kelly chuckles. He says, Don’t worry, son. Of course you’re going to see her. You’ll be home before you know it. These episodes look a lot worse than they are. The important thing to remember is don’t let him break skin. And keep your gas mask on at all times. Bill and Luke, you’ll be our prodders if things get out of hand. Jay and Tom, you stick close to the prodders and keep the net ready in case it’s needed. A man says, We’re all gonna die! We go in there, we’re gonna die! It’s a trap! It’s madness! Listen to me. Don’t go in. Quit! Leave this place! Kelly steps up and slaps the man across his face. Kelly says, Jack! Get a hold of yourself! Jack whimpers and quiets down. Kelly says, That’s better. To the larger group he says, Men, a presidential handler has a thankless task. You will be blamed for every screw-up, every ill-conceived rant and twitter storm, every body uncovered from the past, and bodies that they haven’t even been thought of yet that’ll be uncovered down the road. The men laugh nervously. Kelly continues, But remember this – you’re doing it for your country, men, the country that gave you the opportunity to serve, the opportunity to push your own agenda, the opportunity to do what needs to be done for yourselves and your loved ones. It’s not about me. It’s not even about the president. It’s about the future of our great situation and the situation of every man, woman, and child who takes advantage of it. Now stand tall! Let’s go in there and do some handling!
— Friday, Dec. 7, 2018