CSI: American Carnage (Friday, December 6, 2019)
NEW YORK — Uh, Boris, uh, where is the president on this impeachment thing, because, you know, we are hearing that, uh, he’s coming around to it? Boris, image of the White House behind him, mic in hand, says, That’s right Anderson. Or it’s partially right, to some people. He’s been watching a lot of teevee, we’re told, news shows, for the most part, and he happened to see the remarks by Nancy Pelosi where she announced that the House would move forward with impeachment. Anderson says, So, he has accepted the inevitability of impeachment? Boris says, That’s what some aides say. They say that up until then he believed that the House wouldn’t go forward with it. Then he saw Rudy Giuliani, his personal attorney, who is now in Kiev, and Rudy said that he was not in Kiev. Anderson says, And? Boris says, Well, Anderson, according to our sources, the president saw Rudy being interviewed in front of the parliament building in Kiev and state forcefully, as the president likes to say, forcefully and beautifully and perfectly, that he is not in Kiev. Anderson says, What does this have to do with impeachment, uh, Boris? Boris says, Well there are some aides that argue the president has accepted it after seeing Nancy Pelosi direct her caucus to begin the hearings. But there is another faction in the White House that believes that the Obama-Biden-Clinton axis does not have the courage to go after the president, Anderson, and they will block this House effort, by, in the words of one senior official, “by going to the moon to stop it,” which the White House believes is code. Anderson says, Oh? Boris says, It’s more than that though. A small, but growing group of senior White House officials believe that Pelosi has been replaced by a double and that the announcement today actually involved the double in a Sacramento studio. These aides argue that the use of body doubles by congressional leaders constitutes fraud. And, they say, the directives of a double are not valid and are, in fact, patently illegal. Anderson stares at the camera in silence. He blinks. He says, You mean they are saying that the speaker is not the speaker? Who is it? Boris says, The president is interested and intrigued by this theory, Anderson, particularly since Fox News personality Sean Hannity is now known to impersonate other news celebrities, making use of the state-of-the-art work of the Fox News makeup unit. Anderson looks stunned. Boris says, That’s right, Anderson, assuming you are Anderson, Sean Hannity was caught by Matt Gaetz, Florida congressman and Trump enthusiast, in a drop-dead imitation of our very own Chris Cuomo, surprising Chris, and prompting the president to call Brian Kilmeade on a secure line to explain that the impeachment sham is a #JerryRigged #SchiffShow and Fake to boot. Anderson, – Friday, December 6, 2019