CSI: American Carnage (December 19, 2018)
Editors Note: We have obtained a copy of the most recent indictment and bring it to you without editorialization. The Editors
1. On or around September 16, 2015, a country, hereinafter referred to as “Country A,” operated an intelligence agency, Agency 1. Agency 1 had multiple units, including two known as 2121 and 2122, which were designed to extract information and produce timed releases over a public network, known as Network A, in order to disrupt [redacted] and induce Person A to [redacted] and engage in unseemly [redacted] known as Girl 4 and Girl 5.
2. Country A, in consultation with another foreign government, known as Foreign Government 2, induced Person A, and others, hereinafter referred to as Persons B through X, to engage in elaborate [redacted] and other nefarious [redacted] which Agency 1 captured through use of Network A and distributed to another individual, a quasi-official, Quasi-Official 1, who utilized [redacted] and hired them.
3. [redacted] and others from Country A [redacted] and [redacted] at a later time when a rendezvous could be arranged
4. Unit 2122, in conjunction with Persons C, R, S, & T appeared at the place and time, as did Girl 4 and an unknown child, Child 1. Child 1 carried a rubber ball in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other. The ice cream was consumed by Child 1, and the ball was lost in traffic.
5. Defendants from Country A, including those hereinafter referred to as Defendant Country A National 1 and Defendant Country A National 2, then proceeded to the clean room (Clean Room) and [redacted]. Person A expressed disinterest, saying to Girl 5, “[redacted]” and “I can’t hold it.” They then proceeded, with the help of Quasi-Public Official 1, and unknown individuals related to Foreign Government 2, to a hotel (Hotel). In room 217 they [redacted]. remarking about the heat, and saying “Yes, yes, yes, yes” multiple times and [redacted]
6. Person A, Girl 4, Girl 5, and Persons C through H, [redacted] and [redacted] and [redacted]. Agency 1 [redacted], known as She-Male 1, [redacted], shouted, “No no no no.” And then, “Oh yes, oh yes.” Child 1 remained in the lobby.
7. On the hearing of the code [redacted] directly to Network A. However, Foreign Government National 1 and Defendant Country A National 2 proceeded [redacted] cheeseburgers. [Redacted]
Paragraphs 1 through 7 of this Indictment are re-alleged and fully incorporated as if fully set forth herein.
Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2018