CSI: American Carnage (Monday, February 11, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Donald kicks off his slippers and shouts to Stephen. Stevie, he calls, unplug Hector, will ya, he’s completely charged, and bring over the guac. Stephen pulls the plug on Hector, whose eyes briefly glow red, and grabs the bowl of guacamole. He sits down next to Donald. Donald says, Gimme the remote. I wanna show you Rapid City. Stephen says, We’ve got to head to El Paso, shortly, sir. Do we have time? Donald says, Yeah, yeah. We got the time. This Rapid City one is great. There’s a couple of Liz’s people who get tossed. Must’ve got lost on the TRAIL. We showed em the way home. Ha ha ha. Stephen rummages around for the remote. He says, I can’t find the remote, sir. Donald says, Hec! Hec! Find the remote, will ya. Hector emerges from the shadows along the wall, pushes aside some old food containers, picks up the remote, and hands it to Donald. Stephen says, You doing Chinese? I didn’t know you did Chinese. Donald says, Every once in a while, I send Kelly out for some moo shoo pork, a couple orders of egg rolls, some fried chicken wings, some fried dry things, the crunchy ones, not the other ones. Every once in awhile. Not very often. I don’t do it very often because the thing is, you get hungry like an hour after you eat the Chinese. I asked Xi about it. Xi says it’s not real Chinese. I said to him, Get out. What they selling at a Chinese place if not Chinese? Stephen says, Sir, we’ve got to go to El Paso in a few minutes. Donald says, Yeah? Stephen says, Yes. The only thing to keep in mind is that crime was rampant there. Illegals pouring in. We put the wall up. The illegals stropped pouring in. Crime vanished. Donald says, No shit, Sherlock. You think I don’t know this? I don’t need a fucking briefing on it. My people will be there. We had thousands at a Build the Wall rally yesterday. We had many more thousands at another rally. People want to be safe. They want me to tell em how. They don’t want somebody like the Snowbird, what’s her name, Amy the Snowman, who whines about climate change in the middle of a freaking blizzard. It’s hard to believe these people! They are gifts! Pocahontas and the Snow Bird! Gimme some of that guac and pass the remote. Stephen says, I really think we ought to get going, sir. Donald says, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. Look at the fucking schedule, will ya? This is Executive Time. I’m doing personal politics, okay. I didn’t get here by sitting around reading white papers or Hispanic papers or the papers of my blacks. My gut says, watch Rapid City and have some chips. The natives get kicked out. The crowd chants build the wall. I point. I wave. Lock her up! Lock her up! They are all looking up at me. Me! It gets me going. Now are we gonna do Miller Time or are we gonna whine? Miller Time, ha ha ha. I like that one. Stephen laughs loudly. Ha ha ha! He says, You are so funny, sir. Really hilarious. Here’s the remote.
— Monday, Feb. 11, 2019