CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, January 8, 2019)
Donald enters the White House fitting room and speaks with Pierre, the tailor. Pete, he says, how we doing? We got the jacket yet? Pierre removes several pins from his mouth and says, Mais oui, Mon presidente! Zar ees. C’est belle, c’est beau! Donald says, Speakie the English, okay, this is America, like I told you before. Heavy accent — ees fine, ees gut. But English. Pierre says, Je suis désolé. Oh. Mais non. I am so sorry, monsieur, mon presidente. Let me get eet for you. Pierre disappears into the back and returns with a poofy silver air force bomber jacket. Voilà! Here eet ees, he says. Donald puts the jacket on and looks at himself in multiple mirrors that reflect his image back and further back into infinity. He says, Nice little spaceship patch! What about the helmet? Pierre hands him the helmet that has a Trump logo on the front, just as Stephen enters the fitting area. Stephen looks at Donald who is looking at his many selves in the mirrors. Stephen says, That is awesomely absolutely perfect. That is what the American people are expecting to see tonight on the teevee – a commander in chief who is ready to take on the most dire national emergency since the Big One they’re always talking about. But this one is bigger than that one. You only had some islands bombed in that one. Here the entire border is under attack. Donald says, Latest word is that 5,000 terrorists are massing. They have hooked up with thousands of drug cartels and MS13s, so we’re talking tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands preparing to storm the border. Stephen says, We are resolute. No one can doubt that. Donald says, I’m thinking of offering Dumb-as-a-Rock Mika and maybe Crazy Jim Accosta to buy us some time. We can round them up pretty quick, take em down to Tijuana and lash em to the other side of the cyclone fencing down there. We’re talking some great teevee. I may put it into my emergency speech. Stephen says, We can say they volunteered. Donald says, Yeah. They are giving their all for our great country. It’s about time, too. With all of the success that our Country is having, including the just released jobs numbers which are off the charts, the Fake News & totally dishonest Media concerning me and my presidency has never been worse. Many have become crazed lunatics who have given up on the TRUTH! Stephen says, When they see you prepared for battle, dressed in your jacket, wearing your helmet and directing military maneuvers with Gen. Alphonse in the Oval in front of the great charts the design team is working on, they’re going to have to change their tune, they are going to have to realize that we are serious and we are great. Donald says, We are great, thanks to the great leadership at the top, but the Fake News will knowingly lie and demean in order make the tremendous success of the Trump Administration, and me, look as bad as possible. They use non-existent sources & write stories that are total fiction. Our Country is doing so well, yet this is a sad day in America! But we shall overcome.
— Tuesday, Jan. 8, 2019