CSI: American Carnage (December 20, 2018)
With the help of a fully-charged Hector, Timmy and Sarah have located the vice president packed away in the Executive Lounge storage closet. How are we ever going to get this pop-up Pence board out of the closet? Timmy says to Sarah. Sarah casts her eyes over the immobile Pence. She says, The autocrat is an astute judge of character. This flat Pence is a perfect representation of the kind of supporters he favors. They are inanimate. They have no substance, and the autocrat, with his sharp and toxic instincts, utilizes their emptiness, filling it with his own feral juices. Timmy says, Sarah, that’s disgusting. We have to bring this cut-out down to the Oval. Hector’s extension cord won’t reach that far, so it’s you and me. We have to maintain our cover by doing what we’re told to do. Sarah says, This is what the autocrat counts on. He is surrounded by the weak and the dim, those who will not stand in his way, those who will do his bidding, those who do not understand that they have lost not only their souls but all of their agency. Once the autocrat has you in the cusp of his hand, you are lost. You have no self apart from the autocrat. It is useless to wait for him to change or to do something completely outrageous, something so bad that no one will accept it. That moment can never come. The autocrat has been acclimatizing everyone, grooming them to accept and enable all of the most gross outrages. And the outrages are increasingly revolting, but do not seem so anymore. Timmy says, Hey, wait a minute. This Pence has a cord in its back. Perhaps it will inflate like an inner tube if we pull it. Sarah says, Do it! Timmy pulls the cord. There is a tremendous whoosh and the Pence cut out expands, like a great balloon. Timmy and Sarah step back and watch the horrific show. Cheeks pop out, stomach bloats, hair stands on end and then falls limply across the head. Shoes crack out of ankles, exposing sock garters. Timmy and Sarah fall back. Timmy says, Oh my goodness! The Pence figure stands in the midst of the Executive Lounge. It speaks: The truth is that for years, foreign nations have been developing electronic weapons to jam, blind and disable satellites just like the one that waits on that launch pad today. Frankly, these new challenges demand new and innovative responses and that’s precisely what we have been providing under President Trump’s leadership. The figure pauses. And continues, We are moving forward to eliminate this illegal and criminal and ungodly abomination. There is no turning back. Mother and I and our pastor will be leading a vigil, along with concerned Second Amendment leaders, against this stain on the American fabric. Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house and no blood trees or grasping forest trolls and Mother and our pastor and we can kill and leave no prints and… Engorge… Rip… Sarah says, It’s gone off message! The Pence cut out then rapidly deflates, sucking itself into itself, quickly becoming an immobile board again. Sarah says, Oh my god, no wonder the autocrat is intrigued! This Pence has something dark within that the autocrat finds immensely useful. Timmy says, That may be true, but now I need you to help me get this thing downstairs!
— Thursday, Dec. 20, 2018