CSI: American Carnage (Friday, December 14, 2018)
Timmy enters the Oval. Donald is seated at the broad, empty expanse of his desk speaking on the phone. Donald is saying, Get him down from AC, pronto. Hold on. He turns to Timmy and says, I’ll be done here in a second. I’m talking to the plumber. Donald returns to the phone. Get him down from AC, okay. We’ve got some leaks. They gotta be plugged. Also he may want to bring a number of his associates. This is a big job. Of course I respect him. He is an honorable man. He is serious. We have a serious problem here. Tell him to call my red cell. He has the number. Donald hangs up and turns to Timmy. He says, Well Timothy, you have proven to be invaluable to me and to the organization, the country, and the people who live in the country, which is the point, you know. We serve the American people, and we are Americans. Timmy says, Yes sir. Donald seems distracted. He says, It is so hard to find decent help. Look at these fucking lawyers. Jesus H. Christ. Timmy says, Lawyers are as good as you pay them to be. Donald says, I’m not paying these whackjobs. They’re on the fucking government payroll. They don’t understand that I am the government. Me. Timmy says, Perhaps, Sir, you could induce them to come to a different understanding of their obligations. Perhaps they are relying on outmoded traditions and customs. Donald says, I like the way you think, Timothy. Timmy says, Most people call me Timmy. Donald says, Most people call me sir. Okay, I have a little job for you. The so-called vice president needs recharging, very low energy, it takes a lot out of you when you’re fighting the gays and the gay agenda and the abortionist lobby all the time, 24/7. We need him up and running and out raising money. Timmy says, Yes, sir. Donald says, You can find him in the closet down the hall. Get him. Hector can help. Get him out and take him down to the subbasement shop for a patch job and re-inflation. Make sure all the holes are plugged. Then come back up here for a working lunch. Bring your own. Or if you want, I’m calling out for some chicken and slaw and maybe some of the spiral potato things with the crust. It’ll run you about $15. Leave a $20. Tip you know. Timmy says, Yes sir. But I’ll need an advance on my salary. Donald says, Ok, you can share the tuna surprise that Sarahcita is bringing. She insisted on bringing something. Also, I think she’s gonna have some grapes in jello. Timmy says, Yes, sir. Donald says, Be back here in 20 minutes. You can find Hector plugged into the wall unit in the Executive Lounge. Now go.
— Friday, Dec. 14, 2018