CSI: American Carnage (Nov. 22, 2020)
“Blast the head off, blow the whole thing open, watch the feathers float down.”
WASHINGTON – Rudy enters the Executive Lounge, shoving hard against the door, which seems stuck, at first, but is simply held closed by a second mound of mold growing at an alarming rate near the teevee. Donald is lying cocooned by mold on the recliner. The stench is overpowering. Rudy enters, sweat and black shoe polish running over his face and into his eyes. He rushes to Donald, who is lost in a reverie of childhood. He has a smile on his face as he dwells on the ooze that splatters from crushed insects. Now there’s a small puppy. What would be the best method to squeeze it? The puppy is trusting. Donald’s lips move. Here, here, here’s some bait, he says. Take the bait. Rudy shakes Donald, dripping black Kiwi on his wrapper. Donald opens his eyes. Rudy says, We have them right where we want them! I’m preparing the appeal, which should be done later today or tomorrow. These media morons are laughing, but the judge did just what you said he’d do, he followed their script, which you outlined in advance. You wrote it for them without even bothering to wait to see what would happen, in advance, you waited in advance! Donald says, They are idiots. You got the faceless Big Tech! You’ve got the FACT CHECKERS! THE LIARS! THE PLOTTERS! Donald slumps back. Rudy says, We have some martini bar recommendations. The judge gave them. He told the other side to get lost in open court. Donald says, That’s the judge. All you gotta know is he’s appointed by Obama, who just wrote a terrible book, awful, boring, and wrong, completely wrong. Toomey says he’s ok. What else do you need to know? Rudy says, you were right. You are always right. He did what you predicted. Now we’ve got the clear path to the Supreme Court. Plus the judge made incredible errors. Donald says, Of course he did. He was appointed by Obama. Rudy says, That’s right. That’s right. And he fucked up badly, he even flagged his own fuck ups to make it easier for us. Oh my goodness! Failed to meet their burden to state a claim upon which relief may be granted. Then he dismisses with prejudice. No mention of Chavez. No mention of Dominion. No mention of the mountains of evidence, the money passing back and forth, Germany! The drug cartels! Nothing about the software and the flipping! The emails, all the emails going way back, this was completely arranged. Oh my! This judge, he has set a banquet for us, just like you said. Donald says, A banquet. The targets are all lined up like the ducks. All you got to do is pull the trigger. Blast the head off, blow the whole thing open, watch the feathers float down. The motorcade drives by, you just stand on the grassy knoll, you and the other guys, you stand there and pull the trigger, that’s all anybody’s got to do. I can smell a moron and a cheat just the way you can smell crime. Pull it. Goddammit! Pull the goddamn thing! Rudy says, Release the Kraken, Syd says. Donald says, I don’t know the gentleman, maybe he should be pardoned. I don’t know. We’ll wait and see what happens. We’ll see, but I don’t know him.