CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, September 6, 2020)
Transcript of the president’s voice memo, 4:05 a.m., September 6, 2020 (except):
I don’t need those assholes, they need me. They crawl around looking to lick up on the ground where I’m walking, wherever, that’s the god’s truth, which you can ask anybody, the Merkel who is afraid, so afraid, Nervous, who is a fake, one of the biggest, with her hair, and she is, Putin would take her apart like a broken toy, and piss all over her, Crooked, doesn’t know where she is, like all of them, the Lovers, they’re nothing, nothing without me, nothing, they are the most nothing, as you all know, and I say, Obama, get me my Obama. That worthless, which he can’t even hit a five-footer, what a hoax, a complete and total hoax, and everybody knows, they all know it, and left me with nothing, just walked out of here, and left me nothing, and wants to get back, but I have the real one, who I hired, I gave him a break, which was a big mistake, because he never learns, never learns, even though he needs me, he needs me so bad, so I hired him, he comes crawling in, I need a job, please, please help me sir, and I don’t hold a grudge, you know, you know that, no grudge, even though, and he called me all kinds of things, nasty, disgusting things, like they all do, every last one, so incredibly unfair, but I turned the other cheek, which is what they say you need to do, the other cheek, and he is even more nasty, and sends this moron in, this guy who knows nothing, absolutely nothing, to fight me, me, which is ridiculous, because he’s not even half there, he’s got no brain left, nothing upstairs, and he never goes upstairs, can’t talk, can’t read, can’t walk, and Obama says, oh, America, save us, save us, and so I fired his black ass, kicked him out of here, which is what the country needed, I didn’t need it, the country needed it, fired that loser, who thought he could use the affirmative action to keep his fucking job, just like he used it to get Columbia, no fucking way, and when I checked into it, they had no record, none, which did not surprise me, after I went to the Ivy League Wharton at the University of Pennsylvania, a big deal, which is not easy, much harder, much, much harder, I fired him which they didn’t do at Columbia because he was never there, I said, Was he there? And they said, We’re gonna check, and then they came back, and said, No, sir, we can’t find he was there, and I said, Did you check the foreign exchange? And they said, Yes, sir, he wasn’t registered, we can say that, and I said, They disguise, they don’t want you to know that they are fucking with you from these shitholes, and they said, No, sir, he was not here, so he wasn’t there, he wasn’t in the White House, I’m in the White House, right here in the beautiful Executive Lounge, which you all know, a great lounge, which was fitted out by me, so where was he, which I asked him, and he said some mumbo jumbo, like they all do, and I fired him. And I am not going to let him back in, no matter what the loosers and the suckers and the fakers say, and the hoax, because, you know, it’s all a hoax, every last bit of it, though, as you all know, I’m not supposed to say that, but what are they gonna do? — Sunday, September 6, 2020