CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, August 29, 2020)
TO OUR READERS!
The Publishers of CSI: American Carnage have determined that it is no longer safe to shelter in place and publish remotely via the internet. Reports of online savagery, cancelations, takedowns, owns, malicious hacks, zero-day exploits, DNS tunneling, brutal men-in-the-middle attacks, and deadly SQL injections have reached a crescendo, the publishers claim. Moreover, instances of outright deception and misrepresentation have changed the very essence of what was once deemed “reality.”
“We don’t know where we are,” said one publisher, who requested anonymity because he was not authorized. “Are we here? Are we there? And when we stick our collective head above ground, what do we see? Where is this place? Who are these people? Where are they going?”
“It’s amateur hour with the injections,” he said.
Another publisher cited increasing reports of destruction, death, killing, and general devastation as cause for concern. “There is an American Way of Life,” the publisher said. “And a radical movement to completely dismantle and destroy it. We’ve heard that there are those bent on destroying America’s soul and America’s greatness. Already, huge swaths of the country have been ravaged – Pennsylvania, Ohio, Texas, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico. There’s nothing left. There are bodies in the streets and packs of cruel, violent protesters roaming through the town halls and squares.”
These publishers are concerned that vicious rioters and looters are now going door to door in search of ordinary citizens dining and praying and maintaining small businesses.
“What is the truth? What is reality?” one publisher demanded. “The discombobulation is complete. Just the other day, a green-screen hack turned the White House into a stage for a mass propaganda rally. Actors were inserted to play key roles and fire rained down on our nation’s capital. I saw it with my own eyes.”
In light of these concerns, the Publishers are alerting readers that the daily report may be interrupted at any time.
“We may have to yank it and take cover,” the publisher said. “Our cues are coming from the President. His views will determine the direction we take in the future.”
CSI: American Carnage contacted the president for comment. He is currently in New Hampshire, south of Tuckerman’s Ravine. Here is his statement:
I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den. So here’s a guy, I go into Texas, two weeks ago, we had, by the way, on the highway and the roadways, thousands and thousands of people like lined up on the runway in New Hampshire, by the way what happened to those three, we had thousands and thousands of people. So I’m in Texas, I’m also last week in Florida. We got total endorsement from all of the sheriffs all over Florida, Ohio, many places, but think of Texas. He’s against oil and gas, he’s against guns and he’s against religion, So you’re in Texas, you’re in Texas, where I’m winning by a lot. They say Texas is very close. I don’t think so. They said that last time, too, remember. They said it last time, you know, for them to call it early. You have to be real. So I heard from, for a year, Texas is going to be very close. Gonna be. Everybody believed that, except for the people that lived in Texas. So at eight o’clock, the poll, the polls closed, and they said Donald Trump has won the state of Texas, simultaneously with the closing. But I’m now running in Texas, against the man who’s against oil, guns, and God. How do you win Texas? I said this: You could bring George Washington back as your Presidential candidate. You could bring Abraham Lincoln. Let’s put him as the Vice Presidential candidate, run in Texas and other states. You couldn’t win, you couldn’t win. Now they’re not going to win. We’re going to win this and you’re against the oil stuff too, because his whole thing on oil, no fracking! No this, no that. You know New England has the highest energy costs in the United States, and you know why? Because Governor Cuomo will not let a pipeline go across the tip of New York state so that oil and gas, of which we have plenty, can come. And you know where you buy your energy from? Russia. Did you know that you have ships, much of it from Russia, because Governor Cuomo of New York won’t allow a pipeline and they’re desperate to have something happen in upper New York State. And those are great people but they’ve been treated very badly. But they won’t allow a pipeline. By not allowing a pipeline, we’re trying to do it through, essentially, eminent domain, by not allowing a pipeline to go through upper New York state and create a lot of jobs for them.
Asked for clarification, the President said, “You know what I say? Protest this, your ass. I don’t talk about my ass.”
Return often. This is a developing story.