CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, July 25, 2020)
LOUISVILLE – Mitch strolls out onto the gymnasium floor to considerable applause. I am happy to be back, Mitch tells his audience of every-day folks. He says, I think you know what a circus Washington is – lots of clowns, lots of clown-size ideas. The audience chuckles. Mitch says, My Democrat friends on the other side of the aisle – someone shouts out, Burning in Satan’s flames! – Mitch jokes, I didn’t say that and I can’t deny it for you. But we’re going to craft the kind of bill that is responsible, that Kentuckyans can be proud of, and we won’t be stampeded by these baseless claims, that can lead to a deluge, a flood of lawsuits, the kind that can destroy a company. Someone shouts, What about the masks? Mitch says, Masks are a choice. Someone else in the crowd shouts, We want to die! There is general applause. Mitch says, Of course, and we are ready to help. We have identified many old people and have introduced legislation that will defend your right to visit your elder wherever they are. You can bring your friends. It is your right and your duty. The president fully supports that. He wants you to see your personal elder. A woman with curly hair raises her hand. Mitch nods. She says, Some of these nursing homes where they have the old people have rules you have to wear masks and before you couldn’t even get in because, like, they claimed it would, what to you call it? Spread disease, which we all know isn’t true. Now I can’t see Granny Sally May without a mask and now they say we can’t store little Rufus in school. So what am I supposed to do? Mitch says, Well you can visit your personal elder right now without a mask. We encourage all Americans to remember the Second Amendment. We encourage exercising Second Amendment rights. And we are working on legislation, the Republican side, is working on legislation and we will bring the federal troops to every school the president demands reopen, with one or two exceptions, such as St. Andrews Episcopal. We are fully in support of every American’s right to contract disease and to die. There are a number of lay pastors associate with the party, and some of them in Congress, who are crafting death liturgies and rituals that folks can use. A man raises his hand. Mitch points at him. The man stands up and says, What about all this foolishness with the testing? Mitch says, The president has assured me that he is doing everything in his power to stop the rampant, out-of-control testing and prevent it from disrupting everyone’s daily life. A woman says, That’s all well and good, and easy for you to say, but we want to die and we can’t do that if these politicians are throwing up the roadblocks and paying for the tests. We need the money to stay in Washington. Mitch says, We understand and your Republican party is working night and day to achieve the goals of the people. A woman shouts, We want to die. Another says, Yes! We want to die. And others join in. We want to die! We want to die! Mitch smiles and nods and looks at his watch. — July 25, 2020