CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, July 5, 2020)
ARIZONA – The Professor collars Little Timmy, pup reporter, and pulls him aside. He says, I want you to contact Editorial Central. Tell them the small strike force has located John Baron, one of the legendary superspreaders of all time. This is a great day in our fight against the viral creep of hoaxes and conspiracy theories. And with the discovery of David Dennison just past the last saguaro we can definitely say we are in one of the hottest zones in the nation. Hoaxes are thick and the danger is imminent. The surge is palpable, Timmy, I can feel it! Sarah, Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, says, The Dennison find was interesting. We have never seen the Autocrat use this double for anything other than his sex masquerades. Boris, genial triple agent, says, Sex ees part of story now. The Epstein woman, she former Mossad, KGB links, ties to CIA, definitely Roosian mafia. Simeon Mogilevich. Eet steenks. Poohteen would make best use of her. He would ride her bareback. Sarah says, Boris! Boris! You are deep in the treacherous weeds! Come back! Boris says, With Poohteen all is weeds, weeds everywhere. Need what you call Bowie knife to cut through jungle. Sarah says, Yes, yes. But the main point is that all of the Autocrat’s storylines run together. Putin. Epstein. Saudi. Crime syndicates.They all run through the Autocrat. He is a massive ball of string, pulled and yanked. He is mostly unraveled by his own short, stubby fingers! It is as though he is compulsively pulling his own lower intestine! Through the cool desert air, another voice can be heard. Help me, somebody please help me, help me. Timmy says, There is another cry, Professor. Perhaps we should locate the source before informing HQ. Help. Help! The Professor says, Mohammed, see what is out there. Mohammed moves out into the desert night and soon returns. It’s another body. It looks like it’s been cast aside in the dirt. Says its name is John Miller. The task force moves toward the body. Sarah says, Be very careful. This Miller has a past. They find the body named Miller behind a cactus. Timmy passes over his water bottle and Miller drinks deeply. He says, They just left me here. Pulled me down with rope and left me on the ground. All I did was tell them that we are now in the process of defeating the radical left, the Marxists, the anarchists, the agitators, the looters, and people who, in many instances, have absolutely no clue what they are doing. Clueless, like so many clueless people. Know this, we will never allow an angry mob to tear down our statues, erase our history, indoctrinate our children, or trample on our freedoms. Sarah says, Is that what’s going on here in the middle of the empty desert? Did you tell that to the Ship of Black Eternity that passed by here awhile ago? Or what about the Great Army of the Dead? Did you pitch them? Bill the cadaver says, Yeah. Did you pitch them? Miller says, We will safeguard our values, traditions, customs, and beliefs. We will teach our children to cherish and adore their country so that they can build its future. Together we will fight for the American dream, and we will defend, protect, and preserve the American way of life, which began in 1492 when Columbus discovered America. Sarah says, Back away everyone. The strike force moves away. Sarah turns to Miller. She says, And what of American Carnage? Miller says, This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. Sarah backs away quickly. She says, Professor, we have a master spreader. Call in the coordinates and let the newsroom handle mop up. Miller says, Hey, you know. He’s a good guy, treats everybody well, except sometimes reporters, he hates reporters. He loves them. He hates them. He loves them. The Professor says, Okay, move out! And the strike force continues on, leaving the body called Miller where they found it. – July 5, 2020