CSI: American Carnage (Friday, May 15, 2020)
IN THE CYBER — A figure with a horse’s head lurches along what appears to be an underground passage deep in the Cyber. Trailing behind him is a motley crew — a wizened limping figure carrying a torch, a black-gowned witchy-esque character with a cloth sack thrown over her shoulder, a man with a hook-nose and a prosthetic clapper-like hand, a pirate with pearls for eyes, also carry a cloth sack filled to bursting. The horse’s head says, Pete, any word? Pete says, No. Nothing. I’m getting a-ready to launch. The horse’s head says, Let’s stop here for a minute and reconnoiter. The group drops its booty and sits down on some folding chairs scattered about the grotto. This thing works out, we can afford to take our time, says the horse. Meanwhile, topside, Little Timmy, pup reporter, and the Professor’s small strike force approach a manhole covering off Pennsylvania Avenue near the White House. Timmy looks around, sees no one, and drops down through the manhole, quickly followed by the others. The Professor says to Boris, congenial triple-agent, If you are right, we should encounter the hacker gang right around here. This is a known access tunnel to the Dark Web. Boris says, REvil always use this area for their parties. I learn all about this studying in St. Petersburg. Timmy says, We may be onto something. Look! He points. The group looks down the tunnel and immediately sees a sparkly Lady Gaga floating in the air, a foot off the ground, tiny wings fluttering from her stiletto heels. Wow! says Boris. Thees ees more than I bargain for. Behind Gaga is a naked Madonna. Goodness, says the Professor, there’s children at her feet! No wonder she can’t manage to make ends meet! Who finds the money when she pays the rent? Sarah, Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, says, Please professor. Did you think the money was heaven sent? Mohammed, Timmy’s friend, says, Will you guys knock it off! We are close to REvile now. They hacked Grubman’s law firm, stole the client data, including god knows how many terabytes of Gaga and Madonna files. Boris, eyeing Gaga and Madonna, says, Lots of bytes, eet seem. Grubman says he’s not paying the $20 million in ransom for the data and the encryption key. Now REvile says they’ve got millions of bytes of Trump files. They want $42 million. Timmy says, We know all this. That is why we are here. Mohammed says, I’m just saying. They say they’re gonna release all the Trump dirty laundry if they don’t get $42 million. Sarah says, The Autocrat’s dirty laundry is beyond imagination, and he creates more dirty laundry every day. He does not care. He will just deny. The professor says, But if we can grab this REvile group and claim the dirty laundry, we may be able to muster support for our final push before the election. Sarah says, Good luck with that. Meanwhile, down the tunnel, the witch drops her giant cloth bag onto the floor. Sheesh, she says, How could one guy create so much dirty laundry? This bag is full of poo-poo undies. They weigh a ton. The horse’s head says, You should be grateful. Those poo-poo undies are our ticket to ride. We get on the mail train, we buy the thrill. Besides, why should Trump be the only one to profit from his shit? – Friday, May 15, 2020