CSI: American Carnage (Monday, January 27, 2020)
WASHINGTON – It is late in the Executive Lounge, and Donald has spilled a Yoplait Original Strawberry down the front of his wrapper. Fortunately the cascade missed the remote. Dammit! Donald says. He finds the remains of a toilet paper roll on the floor next to the recliner and begins rubbing furiously. Little wads of sodden paper spew off over the wrapper and spill on the floor. Shit! There is a knock on the door. Donald tosses the toilet paper near the mound in the corner, scattering several small rodentlike creatures dining there. He straightens the wrapper. Come! Donald says. The door opens and Mike wiggles in, a large chart in his mouth. He drops it at Donald’s slippered feet. Sire! Mike says, I have brought the chart you requested. Donald says, It’s about fucking time. Get up. Mike says, Sire, it has been days since the toe cleansing ritual. The odor is strong; the need is great. Donald says, There’ll be plenty of time for that. Get up and give me the chart. Mike scrambles to his feet and hands the chart to Donald who unfolds it. Donald says, Okay. I am on the top, here. He points to a picture of himself. Donald says, That’s the one the nasty Ukraine ambassador wouldn’t put up in the embassy in Keef. Nasty woman. Mike says, Very, Highness. Donald says, This is you, beneath me. Mike says, Yes, yes. Donald says, So beneath you we’ve got Nervous Nancy, who gave bad hair days a bad name. Yes, says Mike. Donald says, That’s our safety valve. These morons in the Senate will never let Pelosi get anywhere near the presidency. That’s the key. Never take her out. Never. Mike says, No, sire. Never. Donald says, Who are these other people? Mike looks at the chart. He says, Under Nervous Nancy, Sire, that’s Chuck Grassley, president pro tempore of the Senate. Donald says, Grassley? Grassley? What a fucking idiot. He can’t think his way out of a paper bag or a box. Nothing. Mike says, Of course not, Sire. Donald says, Who’s this? He points to the picture below Grassley. Mike says, That’s Mike, Sire, your secretary of state, and below him is Mnuchin. Donald, bored, says, I know who the fuck that is. And that one there is somebody else and blah, blah, blah. Look, Pelosi is our ticket. Now, they may come after you, but don’t worry about a thing. First off, you’ll get a pardon from me, and secondly the buck stops with Pelosi, so all that planning is out the fucking window. She’s golden. We can knock her around a little, fuck her head up, but she’s our ticket. These morons in the Senate, President Pelosi? Ha ha ha ha! Never happen. Never. Now there may come a time when there are arrests. But don’t fucking worry. Those are our arrests. We will bust people if necessary, but we’ll always give you a way out. You got the Bolton file? Mike says, Sire, we have his picture. Donald says, Good. That’s all you need. – Monday, January 27, 2020