CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, January 26, 2020)
WASHINGTON — The Times guy pushes into the Off the Record bar. It is late. The January night is cold and raw outside, but he sees the Post guy curled around a glass of malt, shielded from the harsh conditions on Pennsylvania Avenue. The Times guy says, Hey. Join you? The Post guy says, Sure. Barkeep! I’ll have another and the same for my friend here. So, he says, turning to the Times guy, sales of pikes and stocks are soaring. The Times guy says, Always happens when a president threatens use of medieval torture devices. The Post guy says, Yeah, you can’t get a decent pike anywhere in town now. No honor to be found anywhere either. Hey, we hear there’s a run on pearls, too. Lots of clutchers apparently. The Times guy says, we hear Susan has snapped up all the pearls at Gorman’s. They drink. The Post guy says, Any comment from Donald? The Times guy says, We’re analyzing the tape, the Parnas tape. The Post guy says, The tape in which Donald tells Lev to take out the Ukraine Ambassador? The Times guy says, Yeah. That’s the one. Take her out. He clearly tells Lev to take her out. The Editors want to know what that means. So they’re analyzing the whole thing. The Post guy says, Seems pretty clear. The Times guy says, Okay, so why didn’t he just fire her? It’s his option. The Post guy says, That’s obvious. It would draw attention to the Biden-Burisma stuff. Don’t want that. Lev and Igor could take her out and nobody would be any wiser. The Times guy says, Oh my god. And they’re all excited that CBS reported Donald would have heads on a pike if the senate fucked up? The Post guy says, Clutchers gotta clutch. Swooners gotta swoon. They drink. – Sunday, January 26, 2020