CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, December 25, 2019)
MAR-A-LAGO — Donald takes the sponge and looks around for water. Shit, he says. The sponge has some black crumbly stuff on it. Finally Donald dips it in the toilet and wipes the cherry icing off his wrapper. He tosses the sponge in the sink and wanders through the kitchen in search of a decent lounger. It is Christmas at Mar-a-Lago. Donald looks at the message just in from Poo Poo Squishy. Dear Potato, it says, We have gift on the way. Remember Hanoi! Donald crumples the paper and tosses it toward the garbage. It hits near the top of the mound and rolls downhill. Something unseen grabs at it. Chewing sounds are heard. Donald sees a cushioned chair with decorations of golden flowers. He flops down and picks at the fungus on his toe. There appear to be little black bugs disturbed from within the cushion. Donald brushes them onto the floor. Gift, he thinks out loud. Maybe it’s a nice present. Maybe it’s present where he sends me a beautiful vase as opposed to a missile test. I may get a vase. I may get a nice present from him. You don’t know. You never know. Donald thinks some more. He smiles, swelling with the spirit. He rummages through bags, chewed straws, Snickers wrappers, old forks and a cracked plastic tray on a back counter and finds a teevee remote. He presses play and the teevee above the steam table springs to life. Donald smiles. He watches himself say, And let me begin by wishing you a beautiful — look, do you remember this? Do you remember they were trying to take Christmas out of Christmas? Do you remember? They wanted to take something out of itself! They didn’t want to let you say Merry Christmas. You would go around, you’d see department stores that have everything — red, snow, beautiful ribbons, bows. Everything was there, but they wouldn’t say Merry Christmas. They’re all saying Merry Christmas again. You remember? I went through that, during the campaign – they’re going to say Merry Christmas again. And they are. Donald pauses the teevee. That’s so beautiful, the thinks. A shadow darts from behind a lunch pile near the loading dock on the other side of the kitchen. It’s big. A lamp falls to the floor. Donald says, It’s not Santa. He walks over and looks but the shadow is gone. Donald says. Poo Poo is probably still a believer in Santa. A lot of the Orientals are. Okay, for some it’s marginal, but he wouldn’t be sending a present if he didn’t believe. Lots of people believe. Eddie believes. Eddie believes. He believes I’m Santa. Ho ho ho! Saved his ass. Donald bursts out, I am Santa! His wrapper falls open. The sun angles from the window onto Donald. Ho ho ho! he crows. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas Eddie Gallagher! Merry Christmas! Better than Santa! The best! Ho ho ho. Donald chuckles to himself, pleased to be in Florida on Christmas day which will be a great day like all of the other great days. – Wednesday, December 25, 2019