CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, September 24, 2019)
WASHINGTON – I gotta talk to Hec about it, you know? He’s got these cats coming in here, three of em now, and the big white one keeps shitting in the bathtub, you know, in the White House! And the other one puked all over the counter and onto the rug! Yeah! With the seal! It’s gotta be the software, that’s what Jare says, so I told Hec, I said, Hec….There is a knock at the door of the Executive Lounge. Donald says, Hold on, somebody’s at the door. I’ll call you back. He hangs up. Donald straightens his wrapper and sits back on the recliner. Come! The door is pushed open and Mike crawls in. He shuffles across the floor, eyes down. Oh Magnificence, Mike says, Most High of Highs, Excellency, President for Life in Waiting, Field Marshall of the Field of Unspeakable Dreams, recipient of the Cross of the Victory, the Distinguished Fast Service Order, the Marshall’s Menu of Columns A and B, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earths and the Fishies in the Seas and those that Are those that Fly, Conqueror of the Climate of All the Earths and of Greenland and of All the Eastern Islands and Principalities and Countries in General and Ruler of the California, Uncrowned King of Scotland, Ireland, Kenya, and Wilmington, I bring you the enduring love of your subjects in Kiev and your vassals who rule there at your pleasure. May I approach the foot? Donald waves his hand slightly and nods. Mike shuffles over to the recliner, removes Donald’s right slipper, exposing the imperial toe, now running sickly green with a reeking pus, and begins to suck, swallowing the gangrenous soup. Donald says, Enough. Rise. Why are you here? Mike clambers to his feet. He removes a white pocket square and wipes green ooze from his lips. Magnificence, he says, I have spoken at length with your vassal in Kiev. We discussed America’s support for Ukraine and the upcoming decision the President will make on the latest tranche of financial support in great detail. Mike winks at Donald, slightly. Donald says, Tranche? The latest tranche? Donald says, Did you express Our concern about Corruption? Mike says, I told him of your grave concern about corruption. And I also told him that I would carry back to President Trump the progress that he and his administration in Ukraine are making on dealing with corruption in their country. Donald says, What Biden did was wrong. He tightens his grip around his cell in one hand and the remote in the other. Donald says, It angers me, these lying Democrats with their lovers and secrets! These idiots with their failing Witch Hunts! And all of them who failed with the recession and with Russia, with everything! There is nothing they did not fail at. They are great failers, world-class failers. and now they bring up Our foreign affairs. We want honesty! And if we deal with a country, we want honesty, and I think with the new President, you’re going to see much more honesty in the Ukraine. And that’s what we’re looking for. We’re supporting a country. We want to make sure that country is honest. Biden did what they would like to have me do, except that one problem: I didn’t do it. What Biden did is a disgrace. What his son did is a disgrace. The son took money from Ukraine. It’s very important to talk about corruption. If you don’t talk about corruption, why would you give money to a country that you think is — is corrupt? One of the reasons the new President got elected is he was going to stop corruption. So it’s very important that on occasion you speak to somebody about corruption. Very important. And we have done that and the conversations have been perfect, as you know probably better than anybody. What Biden did was wrong. – Tuesday, September 24, 2019