CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, September 19, 2019)
IN THE CYBER — Little Timmy, pup reporter, and the Professor’s small strike force are deep within The Cyber, hunkered down at the rear of a cave. At the mouth of the cave, deadly Big Bertha tweets fall with regularity, transforming the cyberscape into a pitted field of ruin. Boris, genial triple agent, looks out at the pocked and wasted ground and says, Thees bombardment, will eet ever stop? I can’t stand it! He covers his ears. The professor puts his pipe away and adjusts his glasses. He says, Easy. Easy. The onslaught is grueling, but we are safe here. Sarah, Little Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, says, The autocrat’s tweets are frightening for sure, he wants you to be fearful and nervous. He wants you to be confused. He can then control all by stopping or reversing or changing course. No matter – he defines all. He jumbles the landscape and he flattens it. He thrives by filling the air with acrid anxiety. Little Timmy says, What’s that sound? That screaming across the sky? They all listen as a screech coming from the pulsing green sky grows louder and louder. Boris says, No! I cannot stand eet! He breaks toward the mouth of the cave. Mohammed, Timmy’s friend tackles him. Mohammed says, Slow down, big guy. We’re okay in here. The screeching stops. There is silence. Fifteen seconds later comes an enormous boom! The cave shakes. Dust sifts down. Sarah looks outside and sees a small package attached to the leg of a stuffed bird in the midst of a vast new crater. She shouts, Carrier pigeon! She rushes out, grabs the package, and brings it in. Timmy says, Gosh, what could it be? Sarah says, It’s a message from the autocrat written in pencil on a chewing gum wrapper. It’s addressed to Poo Poo Squishy. Timmy says, Who is that? And what is it doing lashed to the leg of a stuffed bird? How did it get here? You sure who sent it? Sarah says, It’s signed, Potato. Boris, perking up, says, That seems to be some kind of code. Perhaps it ees spook talk. Sarah says, Could be. I recognize those pencil scratchings. The Professor says, Poo Poo Squishy sounds like the code name for a black op, perhaps the cyberintrusion of the waste systems, or other infrastructure such as the interlinked mulch systems. Boris says, Autocrat could be contacting troll villagers for purpose of recruiting! Sarah says, Possibly. The Professor says, What does it say, for god’s sake? Sarah begins reading, My Dearest Squisher-Lisher, Do not be angry with me my puffy puff pop! The leather calls when next we meet, I promise. How could I know that the little worm was listening to my chat? He called, I promised to do whatever he wanted. He said he’d expose us! Oh my flubber lubber, the little man popped to attention at the very thought of being exposed with you! It so reminded me of our sweaty horse ride through the far fields that no one knows about! So sweaty! My Poo Poo, we must keep our secret at all cost. I have ordered them to keep silent, and they are afraid to talk even to the morons in the congress. Sarah looks up, puzzled. She says, What the hell? – Thursday, September 19, 2019