CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, September 3, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Stephen grabs a chicken sandwich from the stack on the side table. Donald, leaning back on the Executive Lounge recliner, says, Okay, here goes. He picks up a remote and punches in a number. There is a whir of activation. Donald says, Watch this. Hec! Hector! Hector moves from his wall niche, around the trash near the fridge, and pulls up in front of Donald. Donald says to Stephen, Ok, the guys at DARP have fitted Hec out with the new Presidential Remarks: The Final Word. Ask him a question, he responds like a president, though not as sharp as your favorite president. I can be doing whatever I want, wherever I want, and Hector picks up the slack. Try it. Stephen turns to Hector and says, Mr. President! What are we doing with regard to Congress? Hector powers up and says, Well, I’ve been speaking to them. I’ve been speaking to a lot of senators. We’ve been speaking to a lot of House members, a lot of Republicans, a lot of Democrats. And people want to do something. So we’re going to see. This really hasn’t changed anything. We’re doing a package, and we’ll see what it all — how it comes about. Stephen says, Mr. President, What about the legislation? Hector says, Well we’re looking at a lot of different things. We’re looking at a lot of different bills, ideas, concepts. It’s been going on for a long while. I will say that, for the most part, sadly, if you look at the last four or five — going back, even five or six or seven years, So it’s a big problem. It’s a mental problem. It’s a big problem. Stephen says, What about getting it through the House? Hector says, Well, I think Congress has got a lot of thinking to do, frankly, and they have a lot of — they’ve been doing a lot of work. I will tell you, on behalf of Republicans and Democrats, they’ve been doing a lot of work having to do with guns. And I think you’re going to see some interesting things coming along. Stephen says, This is absolutely great. Donald says, The Fake News™ will never get it. I can be up in the city and Hector can take over down here. Just plug in the software, they tell me, and he’s ready to go. You can ask him anything, okay, the foreign affairs. Donald says, What about Poland, Mr. President? Hector gives a soft whir. He says, I do have a great message for Poland. I just want to congratulate Poland. It’s a great country with great people. We also have many Polish people in our country; it could be 8 million. We love our Polish friends. Donald says, It’s a great help, a great help that will work for Poland or Brazil or the guns and the hurricanes, China, Bobo. Hector is on top of it. This was all my idea. There were a bunch of generals and scientists, smart guys, incredible, and I said can’t we come up with a presidential aide? You could swap him in, like they did with Reagan, many people don’t know that, swap him in and that frees up the president to pursue the other stuff. And they said, That is brilliant, they said, no one ever said that before, and I challenged them and before you know it Hector is ready to go, give me some of that slaw, and I can do the real president stuff. – Tuesday, September 3, 2019