CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, July 7, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Donald, Jared, Junior, Ivanka, Eric, Joey No Socks, Wilbur the Cement Block, Hard Alex, and Bill Belly Up, are gathered around a conference table in a room off the Oval. Inbal the Survivor and Rudy’re on speaker. Yo, Rudy, Donald says, can you hear me? Rudy says, Of course I can hear you. Donald says, Inbal, you there. Inbal says, Yes. We are here. I’ve got Semion here. Donald says, they call him the Brainy Don. Yo, Semion, long-time. Semion says, Not very. Donald says, Okay, so Jeff’s been busted. Alex, I thought you took care of this. Alex says, It was all good. Jeff was happy. Everybody was happy. It’s the Cuomo boys, and the Obama-Hillary ring sniffing around for pussy. Fucked it up good. Vance fucked it up good. Inbal breaks in. She says, It’s the shvartzes. We told you. The shvartzes can’t be trusted. Rudy says, No, no, no. You’re talking about James. We got her all tied in knots with the foundation. Vance is completely under control. He’s still poking around with the tax shit. He’ll be there forever, pulling one paper after another. There are so many gopher holes, Vance can’t walk a straight line. Ivanka says, Daddy, he keeps asking Jare for more papers. He wants this and he wants that. Jare’s got important things to do and every time he’s about to close a deal, like the one with Momo, they make him go look for some dumb piece of paper. Make them stop, Daddy. Jare says, Most of the problem’s on Junior’s side. Junior says, Fuck you, Dickwitch. If it weren’t for dad, you’d be drowning in bankruptcy court. Jare says, Oh yeah? Junior says, Yeah, tubeface. Donald says, Hey! Knock it off. We got some business here. Leave the personal stuff outside, Okay. Jeff’s busted, okay. This is serious. Semion says, We are concerned about the pipelines to our friends in Tehran and Ryadh. Jare says, We got that covered. Ivanka says, Momo is happy with his toys. Semion says, For now. What is the long-range strategy? Alex says, Jeff’s still got his fucking address book and contacts. There is dead silence. Donald’s head drops to the table. He says, Jesus H. Christ. Semion says, Address book is how they got the boys at the Watergate. Inbal, I thought you told me there were no loose strings. Inbal says, I never told you that. Rudy says, Address book? Not a problem. Anybody can have an address book. Donald bangs his head on the table. Joey No Socks says, Hey boss. I can take handle this. Me and the boys been doing this for years in AC. You know that. Bill Belly Up says, You can fire this rogue Berman. He has exceeded your authority clearly. Just fire the sonuvabitch and be done with it. Donald says, I just put him in there. Bill Belly says, So what? Kick his ass out. Wilbur says, We think there’s another potential tanker problem in the Straits. Bill says, Good one. The Straits are the way out, plus firing Berman. Semion says, No more Straits! This is bad for business. Inbal says, The shvartzes! Ivanka says, The paper daddy! Get them to stop! Eric says, What? Junior says, More shit for the shinola eater here. Jare says, You stop now! Donald still has his head on the table, the tip of his tongue barely visible between his teeth. – Sunday, July 7, 2019