CSI: American Carnage (Monday, June 24, 2019)
WASHINGTON — There is a knock at the door of the Executive Lounge. Donald, who has just settled into the recliner and switched on the teevee, says, Goddammit! Come. He adjusts his wrapper and sips a Dr. Pepper as Mike enters the room. Mike drops to his knees and crawls over to Donald. Oh Sire! Mike says, it is such an honor to be here in your magnificent presence! Donald says, Yeah. Mike removes Donald’s slipper and begins licking the left big toe where a scabrous fungus has rotted the flesh beneath the nail and pus drips to the floor. Highness! Mike says. Donald says, Tongue between the toes where the black slime is. Mike says, Oh, with pleasure, most high! Donald says, What is it? Mike says, Sire, I bring news of the border. The children are all pleased with your munificence. They express gratitude for the rolls of paper towels. They are so happy. Many say they have looked forward to the day when the Dark Obama will not get them. Donald says, I will never let the Dark Obama get them. We are the sun. I have brought these children together under one of our roofs at great cost, great expense, which we can pay, thanks to the tariffs we have now, which did not exist under the Dark Obama. These children are fortunate. They are the ones we have rescued. They are the ones we have found and brought to the staging areas. Our foresight is great. Mike says, It is, it is. Mother and our pastor are on their way from the Las Vegas spa as we speak. Our pastor believes he can help some of the young females find their way. He will make some selections during this humanitarian visit. Donald says, Good, good. Your pastor has a way with the children, many say. Mike says, Yes, but he must replenish his flock frequently. These children are a boon, a gift of god, and you have brought them here, a blessing, a blessing for them, and a blessing for our Christian selves. Donald says, Okay. Do the thumb thing now. Mike says, Sire, no one lavishes attention on you as I do. I wish and I pray, and Mother does too, that you will hold me close, hold me tight, as we near 2024. No one has shown more love or selfless devotion than we have, no one has given more, right down to the sacrifice and engorgement of Marlon Bundo at the Bruce Willis Solstice Dinner last week. Mother shook with ecstasy at the sight of the blade and the purging that followed. Your magnificence, we ask only that you withhold blessings on 2024 for the time being. Mike throws himself face down on the floor. Magnificence, he says, we beg. Donald looks down on Mike. We’ll see, he says, we’ll see. — Monday, June 24, 2019