CSI: American Carnage (Friday, June 21, 2019)
WASHINGTON — The Times guy walks into the Off the Record bar late in the night and sees the Post guy, a lone solitary figure slumped at a table, empty bottles of BrewDog scattered across the tabletop. The Times guy orders a shot of Kentucky Owl, batch number one, and takes a seat. So you going? he says to the Post guy. The Post guy does not move. The Times guy says, Hey, and nudges the Post guy, who says, No. The Times guy says, What do you mean, no? The Post guy says, No I am not going to the farewell party for Sarah. No. Fucking. Way. The Times guy says, Ok. I’m not either. I gotta work that night. The Post guy lifts his head, orders another BrewDog, and says, Is it over? The Times guy says, Nah. Not over. The Post guy says, Donald is the voice of reason. The Times guy says, What are you talking about. Didn’t you hear that Donald threatened Brian with the slam? The Post guy says, No and takes a gulp of the BrewDog the barkeep has placed on the table. The Times guy sips his rye. The Times guy says, So Donald goes off the record and starts waving a letter around, supposedly from Chairman Kim, as he calls him. So Brian, unsurprisingly takes a picture, which supposedly enrages Donald. He says, Excuse me, excuse me, you can go to prison instead, because, if you use, if you use the photograph you took of the letter that I gave you. So Brian says, Sorry, Mr. President, were you threatening me with prison time? And Donald says, Confidentially, I didn’t give it to you to take photographs of it. So don’t play that game with me. Let me just tell you something. You take a look. Well, I told you the following – I told you you can look at this off the record. That doesn’t mean you take out your camera and start taking pictures of it, okay? So I hope you don’t have a picture of it. I know you were very quick to pull it out — even you were surprised to see that. You can’t do that stuff. So go have fun with your story, because I’m sure it will be the 28th horrible story I have in Time Magazine because I never — I mean — ha. It’s incredible. With all I’ve done and the success I’ve had, the way that Time Magazine writes is absolutely incredible. With all I’ve done, with the tremendous success I’ve had, that TimeMagazine writes about me the way they write is a disgrace, okay? Let’s face it, it’s a disgrace. And some day within the next 20 years, maybe you’ll pick me as Man of the Year. Okay, big deal. So the prison, you make the choice. The Post guy puts his head back down on the table. He says, It’s not over. It’s not over. The Times guy says, Maybe not but as you just pointed out, Donald is keeping us from war with Iran. The Post guy says, He’s got a firm hand on Bolton. That gives me great confidence. Just, like, just tell me, okay? I want to know when it’s over. Just tell me that. When it’s over. – Friday, June 21, 2019