CSI: American Carnage (Monday, May 13, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Donald heads down the backstairs for the elevator. Hector awaits him and ensures that the doors don’t close too quickly. Donald says, Happy Mother’s Day Hec, and don’t forget that the “Constitutional Crisis” is the Democrats refusing to work. Let them start by fixing the mess that their Immigration Laws have caused at the Southern Border. Donald gets on the elevator, joined by Don Junior. They go down. At the subsubbasement, the doors open and they walk, without speaking, to Room One. They enter. Inside is a gurney bearing a plump torso partially covered with a sheet. Several technicians are standing around the head of the torso, which is set on a table, top removed and a tangle of wires poking out every which way. Donald says, What’s the problem here? The tall technician says, He seems to be stuck on a few key phrases, Sir, like Collusion Delusion, and Greatest President in Modern American History. We’re trying to get him back into Nuance Mode. A little elaboration. You know, teevee and such. Viewers are looking for more than five words. We’re thinking maybe throw in some sex and celeb stuff, see if that jars the software. Donald says, Wait a second. When the Mueller Report came out showing NO Collusion with Russia (of course), it was supposed to be over, back to work for the people. But the Dems have gone “nuts,” and it has actually gotten worse! You should be sticking your screwdrivers into Nadler’s head. He’s got some loose screws. Lou’s okay. He’s supposed to stay on message. We spent a lot of time, okay, branding this operation. We got the Democrat MANIACS, the Democrat SPYS, the FBI SPYS. SPYGATE could be one of the biggest political scandals in history! Lou is a key link in the branding effort. He’s pounded on it. He sniffed out the key SPY, linked him to the FBI SPYNETWORK, showed how they went after our coffee boys. Despite two years and millions of dollars spent, the Democrats are acting like crazed lunatics ever since the results of the Mueller Report were made public. But they knew there was NOTHING even before the Report was started. It is all a big Hoax, the biggest in American history! Lou’s been key to the HOAX narrative, and the WITCH HUNT! tag. He’s working on a logo, okay. Look, we’re not looking for nuance here. We want a hammer. You bring the hammer down, again and again and again until the old message is pulverized, nobody even remembers what it looks like. That’s what Lou does. He’s the friggin hammer. Now stuff those wires back in the head, screw the head back on, and get him out of here. Donald turns to Junior. Donald says, Never do that again. Junior says, Dad, he was spinning in circles. Donald says, Shut up. The technicians stuff the wires back into Lou’s head and screw it to the flabby torso. Donald says, Turn him on. The lead technician flips the switch and pulls the cord in Lou’s back. Lou scowls. Lou says, Jews. Soros. Bombs. Fake bombs. Who could benefit? Conspiracy. The technician, exasperated, smacks Lou’s head and jiggles the power switch on and off. He says, A temporal irregularity has disrupted the circuits. This model needs to run through the old stuff completely before we can do an effective reset. Donald says, Sounds good to me. Old stuff is great. Get him up and running. He pats Lou on the cheek. Donald says, The American people need the Great Lou Dobbs back in the driver’s seat. Junior says, Don’t you think that’d be kinda risky, Dad? I mean, you know, crashes and stuff? Donald turns and stares at him. – Monday, May 12, 2019