CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, May 8, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Donald lolls on the recliner in the Executive Lounge, Mike scraping a greenish, puslike growth spreading beneath his long toe nails. Sire, Mike says, may I use the scrubee? I can’t seem to get at the big toe issue here, what looks to be a strange oxidized fungal mass on the left foot. It appears to be slightly radioactive. Donald says, Only if you use the ScrubBEE Buzzy Body Brush, the yellow one that squishes between the toes. And don’t get any water on the floor. Hec is gonna sweep later today and take out the garbage. Mike says, Of course, Magnificence. Anything to please you. Mike quietly rubs away as Donald stares at the muted teevee, paused at midpoint during the Lexington rally. Mike says, They’re definitely on the run, Sire. They are afraid of leader McConnell and his quiver of truth. What a magnificent speech he gave to the American people today! Case closed, he said, and then he waited a few minutes and said it again, Case closed. Mother is with our pastor at the Bo Phut Resort & Spa but she called as soon as she saw the leader on the floor of our great Senate. She called just to pass along the wise words of our pastor, who says, as well, Case closed. Case closed. He also said that Rev. Falwell fully and completely embraces you. He says the porn picture story is completely untrue, no matter what the media with their forked tongues and the Imprisoned Turncoat say. Oh Sire, Rev. Falwell says you are wrapped in the cloak of the angels and that Satan may batter the door, but he must grasp your knob of truth and embrace it wholly and completely so that the brackish fluids are drained, and only then, Sire, only then will the majesty of the lord sigh repeatedly and hosannas fill the air. Sire, the angels remain in bounteous and protective rapture. sealing off the twists of pain Satan and his minions seek, failingly, to inflict. Donald says, You know, Mike, that is a lot of bullshit. Just clean the fucking toe with the fucking ScrubBEE, okay. I got some issues here. Mike says, Oh Sire, there are no issues that cannot be remedied by application of your nimble and supple brain. Praise him! You have the Turncoat with his cloven fictions out of the way for nearly a decade, more or less. You have the moolahs running scared. The communists in Venezuela are fleeing in droves. The FBI is falling by the wayside. The Congress does not know what to do. The American people happily pick over their many job opportunities which are scattered across the American landscape like piles covered with hungry birds. You are feeding your people, Sire! God in his glory has embraced you. He has taken you and blessed you with his goodness and his shining light. POTUS Shield is firmly in place and will be extended to any and all in god’s house, the White House, who are need of protection from criminal contempt citations or any criminal charges at all. — Wednesday, May 8, 2019