CSI: American Carnage (Monday, April 29, 2019)
SUNLAND NM – The ringmaster pops his monocle into place, tips his nonexistent hat, and says, Komm mit mir. Viens avec moi. Come with me. You will not be disappointed! We have the most dramatic and exciting girls! Grab them! Prends-les! Cherchez le chat! You will love it! He again begins prancing down the fairway. There is a rumbling. Little Timmy, pup reporter, staggers forward. He says, What is that? We must get out of here. This place is madness. The ringmaster shouts over his shoulder as he high steps forward, No one can leave. The Professor says, What? Sarah, Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, says, He means there is no escape. The autocrat is everywhere. He is like kudzu. He covers all and slowly smothers it. Boris, genial triple agent, says, Da. Eet is Poohteen playbook. Become invasive species. The rumbling grows louder and the ground begins to shake. The Professor shouts, Take cover! Go! Go! Go! The strike force dashes for Mad Adam Blavat’s collapsing shack. The ringmaster has vanished. Great fissures appear in the fairway, as if something is pushing from underground. The fissures widen and an enormous figure bursts from the ground. Timmy says, Oh no! It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! Sarah says, No. Look again! No such luck! The diapered figure with rolls of grey fat towers over the amusement park. It pulls the rattling roller coasters off their tracks, looks at them curiously and tosses them aside. The figure bellows, Now we have people coming in under these crazy laws that — I mean under these crazy laws that — I mean if they — I mean if, I mean, I — if they need welfare or if they need hand outs in the next 50 years, they — they’re almost incentivized. And they start arresting border patrol people and these incredible people that are doing such a good job, if they want to do anything and if they want to be a little bit cute. It is really a disaster. Whoever approved this stuff had no common sense or they hated our country, one or the other. Think of the word apprehend, the border security is apprehending 100,000 people a month, do you know how many people that is? It’s 100,00, 200,000, 300,000, a million, two million. It’s incredible the job they do. 100,000, two million. The problem is with these laws, we should be able to take him right out. We can’t. We have to bring them into a court, whoever heard of that? We’re the only country in the world that I know of that has a courts system and it’s a — it’s a mobile court system, I mean it’s trailers on the border and with all of these cases, 900,000 cases, you need to do 900,000 — you’d need 100,000 lawyers. I mean it’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen. And in trailers. All in these mobiles. With kangaroos! We have the mobiles with the kangaroos and then the tornadoes come in, they are a magnet, and the only good thing, the only good thing, is that it helps with the kitchens. The kitchens! That’s with the beautiful Red Cross. Another roller coaster is ripped from the tracks and the strike force shrinks deeper into the cabin. Timmy says, Madness. The woman with the scarf over her head calls out from beneath the Blavat counter: No man can swim unless he enters deep water. – Monday, April 29, 2019